past 9pm thoughts
I haven't actually only thought about this at night, but it gets stronger during the night.
so i think about this post a lot when i'm Thinking Very Deeply about things when it's late, and i try not to get stressed about the whole world and just go to bed.
but lately, i've been having reoccurring thoughts about my life and where it's headed again (as i do literally every few weeks).
for the record, other than a few hiccups (dropping a class and replacing it with another, withdrawing from my online philosophy class, etc), i've been doing well this past month academically, despite the stress.
i've been having fun in elementary japanese especially!
the plan was, however, and always had been, that after my first semester, i'd transition into the general study major and continue my education a bit more smoothly— and i need to do it more than i realized, because i do not like learning philosophy (1/2 of my concentration) in an academic setting 😭
in the process of switching the major, which at this specific institution, you have to be 'accepted' into it, i was reading over the forms and what jumped out to me is that the major is very much focused towards working towards your career and career development overall. something i've been struggling with for a long time. and that's good, right? having academic guidance so i can pursue a career like i wanted!
the thing is, it kinda made me realize that i don't know if i wanna pursue my master's degree.
now this isn't a 'permanent' decision. if i finish my bachelor's, i can always go back for my masters later. there's literally nothing stopping me and there's no deadline. just... thinking more about it i don't know if i actually want to be a librarian or if i'm just doing it because i like being a library assistant. but i don't want to push into it knowing it's not really something i want right now.
but, this leaves me empty handed again. if i don't go into postgrad, what exactly am i going to do? continue working as a library assistant? find other income? look for a full time?... and this is where the spiraling happened. because all i ever really wanted to do was make art, y'know? that's the thing i'm most passionate about. but i know that the industry as a whole would eat me alive, and i've already gotten burnt out more than once. but... i dunno! i dunno. it's just frustrating feeling like a dog chasing it's tail, always out of reach but still moving anyway. catching the tail but it slipping from me in a nanosecond.
i decided that i'm going to take creative writing classes, since i'm passionate about writing fiction (specifically comics, but i write prose too). at the very least, since i only have a small amount of classes to take (under 10 not counting my classes right now!), it would be in my best interest to at least do something i have a vested interest in. but, unfortunately, when they ask me what my career goals are, i won't know what to say. i don't really have one other than to have enough to not have to worry. which is weird, because i've never been in a situation where i had to. so...?
i used to want to be a therapist. then an animator. then a webtoon artist. then just a cartoonist. then a librarian, and now a mangaka. maybe i still do want to be a mangaka. even an author in general, if i can. but, i sometimes worry that burnout will come back, and i think that's what prevents me from moving forward. but i love writing and it's the only thing i really wanna do— creating stories is kinda in my blood!
maybe i can academically get guidance on it so i can actually go in a direction i'll have joy in, who knows! until then, i'll keep doing my homework.
short term goals for the end of the year
- finish tsp chapter 1
- focus on school (✓ pending...)
- clean up around the house (in progress)
get treatment for anemia(✓)- start driving more