life and stress and purpose
I feel like I often have to ask myself, "What do you want?", and while I know I don't have to have a definitive answer, or I have to stick to something once I think of it, I've come to find it more distressing at times.
I thought I wanted to be a therapist. That fell through when my mental health worsened, and then I took interest in being an animator.
When I was trying to be an animator, I was bogged down by the higher education system and transfered to community college (because otherwise I would have to have dropped out and gotten a job, something I was not mentally prepared to do).
Then, I was like DUH, I'll be a cartoonist, I want to make comics.... then I got burnt out so badly it ruined my relationship with art for a few months.
Freelance artist? Couldn't handle. Librarian...? I don't know if I could do that. Right now, at least.
I even tried being a streamer for a bit, but it always felt like I was stressing out exponentially. I don't know what I'm meant to do. I like my job but eventually I'll need something full time, stable, and with benefits. I have zero Idea what that looks like.
I don't want to just 'wait and hope something comes to me', but I also. Don't know what else to do at this moment. I know that obviously your 20s are the time to figure things out and to experiment, and that your life won't be together, but it becomes an issue at times when I feel aimless and worried that I won't be able to have that thing.
I could say that working at the library has been nice, and I love helping students, but for whatever reason, despite this being my fourth year I've worked there, I still always have a sneaking worry at the back of my head that it could all fall out from under me when I least expect it. Perhaps that's the anxiety talking. Who knows. But it doesn't feel pleasant to be in a position where I yearn to have a sense of purpose and fulfillment, but and also worried it could get snatched from me.1
Overall, I just want to feel like I'm working towards something, I guess?
Or maybe not even that, but feeling fulfilled every day. Without it, it feels very. Empty? It's odd.
I'm probably just catching myself on a bad day and focusing on it too hard. Who knows.
Part of me still feels like comics call to me, in some way. But I also worry that attempting to go too hard into the industry side of things may harm me rather than fufill me, given I've gotten burnt out because of art and comics before.
I will say though, art will always be a staple. A guiding star in the night, and something I'll always return back to when inspiration strikes. I'm just... in a rut, as it were. But I know it won't last forever.
To be honest, I'm also writing this while waiting for food in the air fryer, sooo I could easily just be hungry and spiraling because of that LOL↩