it's almost the end of the year, so...
so it's almost the end of the year. I feel like I've tried to write a blog post similar to this a bajillion times at this point and could never quite get anywhere. either the thought was incomplete, or id lose interest, or something would change, so i guess this is half what's been up and half just thinking about the future?
unfortunately, until I have a job security (aka a full time job with benefits) I will be in a 'survival mode' of sorts. with this, I'm trying to figure out ways to temper this feeling at least a little bit, and try to enjoy days as they come— even if I feel muddied. I think this is a Huge reason why I haven't been connected to my art (and to some extent interests) like I used to. it's hard to feel comfortable enough to do art when I feel like I don't have enough to stay afloat (and for the record, I definitely do, but I think my mental state would be reassured if I had a 9 to 5 that I can rely on instead of temporary part time and state insurance. and maybe moving out.) sometimes I do wonder if this is meant to be forever (it's not) and it worries me when I feel as though my executive functioning and energy levels only get worse.
my surroundings have become a bit more stressful, as it were. so it only really adds to the feeling of survival mode all the time. but at the very least I've been trying to make it better for myself, because it's the only thing I can do!
I've been mulling a lot about what I wanna do for the future. I've been trying to figure out what I want I guess? and I know I don't have to have everything figured out, but I feel like some sense of direction keeps me from staying stagnant. picking a path drives me to continue moving forward. and so, I'm planning on going back to school next year. not because I particularly want to, but because it's the only path I can really see working. I guess since the goal is to go back to become a librarian (you need a masters, I only have an associates), I can endure being in school again with that goal in mind. though sometimes I think about if that's what I actually want or if it's just something I picked because I was good at it. chances are, it will give me that stability I'm looking for, and I DO like being a library assistant... but, I dunno. I spent so long being invested in art that I still kind of hold it as a backup more than anything (even though I see it squarely as a hobby now).
I'm trying to see this as an exciting change that I may enjoy, rather than a scary change that might waste my time.
shifting gears, I will say I'm excited to work on guide creative (my art resource encyclopedia). I'm still figuring out organization, but the website is up and running with mediawiki!
I hope to be able to show it off within the next 6 or so months :> maybe longer, who knows. I definitely don't want to rush this one.
but anyway. I hope 2026 is a little better— I'd love to be in a better position to get things done. I know I can't optimize my life or anything like that, but I want to at the very least be able to pare down on stress so I can relax and enjoy my hobbies when I'm not at work. which, ultimately, is the goal overall I think.